June 18, 2005

I am going to get a blog completed today.

I am determined, yet resisting it. I could distract myself in so many ways. But I am going to do it.

I use Sedona Method to examine the emotion.

Could I allow myself to welcome the resistance? Yes.

Could I let that be OK? Yes.

I have been listening to the calls, not the last one yet but up to Week 3. Following the discussion. I haven't fully participated, but I am going to take a step in correcting that.

I am now sitting in my kitchen which is the only room in my house that gets lots of sunlight. Typing up my blog in word first.

I have a date tonight. What am I afraid will happen? I am afraid that she will be ugly, or that she’ll be attractive and bored with me.

Can I let go of wanting that to happen? Yes. Would I? Yes.

When? Now.

Supposed to go dancing. Hope, desire and anticipation. It has been a while since I have been out on a great date. I recognize that is mostly me though. So I can change that, right?

It is rainy and cool today, big flooding around this area. It’s a Saturday. Am writing and just seeing where this goes.

The idea that other people are going to read this is intimidating too. I am experiencing how I have a hard time opening up about myself and my life. Feel like I have been underachieving, playing very, very small. To let myself be honest about that is very scary. But the truth shall set me free. That aligns with honour in my mind.

I have been reading about a Dr. David R Hawkins and his ideas, that we can be calibrated based I think on our ability to align with what is. The more alligned we are, the more powerful we are as people ane the more life just works as the universe just delivers. Seems too good to be true.

I seek to experience Love at an extremely high level. By sharing this writing I hope raises my ability to experience Love at a higher level than I currently have experienced to date. I understand Love is an internal condition, and recognize it as a life enhancing force as well.

I left my earlier blog up. That’s my story. Truth is I barely know myself and what I am capable of. Currently I am interested in Forex trading, currency trading. Even as I think about it, though, I question would I be successful, is it really what I could or should be doing with my life. To what degree does making money have to do with living a life of love. That I love.

What is my feeling about all that? Fear again, and anxiety. Financially I am not as flush as I would like to be. Friday I got three photo-radar tickets for $300, and a parking ticket for $20. I never seem to have enough money. I am afraid I will starve and die alone as an old man.

Could I let go of wanting that to happen? No.

Would I if I could? Yes.

When? Now

Back is sore. Living my truth, that or even creating my truth deliberately.

I like this forum because I am able to string together a number of ideas in one thread which in turn lets me expand on an idea and learn it in some depth.

I did the Landmark Forum – that lead me here eventually. As much as sharing with a large group of people was great, it was also somewhat limiting sometime. I am a big picture person, and the world needs people like me. But Landmark always seemed tied to a strict dialect and short true periods of exchange.

Like I said, I left my first blog up there and was almost embarrassed to read it. I have been hiding out in this program, not taking it on so I don’t fail. I do want to take my life to the next level, but there is always the fear that this will prove to be another wrong path that wastes time and energy.

Could I let go of wanting that to happen? Yes.

I did the advanced course and the SELP as well, did a big party with a bunch of bands. Was coaching the SELP when I got recruited into the ILP. Was also scheduled to take the Forum again prior to taking on all these commitments. Proved to be way too much to handle and I had a massive breakdown around it. Had to pull back from everything, or more correctly they asked me to pull out when I spoke to a Forum Leader and said I was too exhausted to put myself into a brainwashing session. The SELP leaders invited me back for the last classroom, which was cool. I was more than a little uncomfortable as the one who didn’t “complete” the program. It always hurts to be cut off from a community.

I was/am always one who was considered too analytical for the Landmark material. In my mind there was a real hang yourself out there and the bridge will appear quality to what they were asking me to accomplish, but more often than not it wasn’t something that resonated with me. Yet I wanted, want the results, the life I love, the relationships, the whole ball of wax. I want to have it all.

Want denotes lack in some circles. I have to say I agree.

I was out of integrity by pretending I was committed to the complete Landmark program when I totally wasn’t.

No honour there.

I have heard that whatever we focus on, we create in our lives. Not mere attititude, the ability to shape life at the molecular level based on intention. That would mean that most of the “problems” in my life I am creating. I am intending them to happen.

Pretty silly, if that is the case.

It is absolutely pouring outside, it has off and on for two weeks. Flooding and everything. Reminds me of rains in Japan that lasted days, the humidity.

What am I doing here? What is my vision for myself?

The Forex trading reflects a desire I have to experience true financial abundance without being a slave to a job, having time, social and spiritual freedom as well.

I am loving toward life, toward the planet, towards others, towards myself. I have a strong internal culture of love.

I am creative, playful, fully alive and fully expressed.

I am my word. I am integrity, following my vision with courage and grace.

I am a great father and friend to my sons, my daughter, my ex and my first family.

I appreciate beauty.

I am in a fantastic relationship.

I am going to do this blog. I am writing a great deal and sharing my toughts with others. It is having a powerful ripple effect on the lives of millions.

The truth shall set me free.

4:42 pm. I like to play guitar, at least me ego does. Both of me do, actually. Sometimes when my ego plays it is forced and wanting, but when my spirit plays I am aligned with everything.

I like to write (Can you tell?) I have 20,000 pages of journal entries, most of them pretty boring. They were only meant for me. No real sharing and opening up.

Tomorrow is father’s day. Banana pancakes and chicken sausages.

I am 5’10 and 205. Too much. Play hockey and work out a fair bit but my hips are sore sometimes and I sleep less well than I used to. I like to compete and I like to exercise in social settings. Who I am is the possibility of health, vitality and a long and joyous life. That sounds very honourable as well.

One more page because I was bad and haven’t written much so far. A Lion is just a lion, he doesn’t think about it. That was the original sin I think, the fearful thought projected into the future. Lions move freely into their zones of activity unrestrained by thought. It’s us humans who allow our minds to take over, give us an identity, and then fight all the time against all enemies of that identity. And the mind wants to continue proving that threats exist so it can continue to be in charge. The mind needs to identify all the time with what is wrong and how to avoid it.

And it does so using negative and judgemental words. Which we say to ourselves over and over and over.

Which favors half our brain over the other half. The half that uses words. The other half doesn’t even recognize words at all. But it connects with the great universal energy? Did I read that somewhere?

I have taken the coaching, just started typing and left my fingers to tell me where to go here, this little blog didn’t exist before and now it does. Or did it always exist?

We are God witnessing himself. We are consciousness witnessing consciousness. Anyone here is examining these aspects of their life and becoming more aware of awareness. Driving our mind as opposed to being driven by it. Directing it towards a vision of life, possibility and destiny.

I will commit to continue writing and contributing.

Wednesday at 5:30 is not a good time for me to have undistracted time, I usually try to listen at another time. But I will continue to write and expand on my vision.

Everything is OK. I typed it and then I backspaced it and then I put it back again. My ego resists that idea, because if there was nothing wrong, there would be nothing for it to do. But there is nothing wrong with Life. I have to keep stepping into that space.

I am here to discover my vision, my purpose and fufill my destiny.

I am here to connect with others in a meaningful and significant way.

I am here to discover who and what I really am.

I am here to develop my ability to step into possibility at all times.

I am here to more fully accept and be fully aware of the present.

I am here to find my voice.

I am here to expand my ability to express and experience Love.

I am here to be an example to others.

I am here to share.

I am here.

(Later….)

May 26, 2005

First ever blog. For me this will be somewhat old hat, in that I have 20,000 words in journals. But it will be different in that people will read this. Or will they? We shall see, I suppose.

I'm doing this as part of a program, Vision Force 101. The coaching I received around all this was to start typing to see where it went. So that's what I am going to do now.

Who am I, at least as far as I'm willing to share so far? I live in Western Canada. I'm almost 44, only a month away now. Seperated for the last three years with three kids, the eldest daughter actually coming from my ex's first marriage. I wanted to be a good husband and father but I also wanted a life with lots of stimulation. Could understand the arguement that there was lots I had to give up now that I was a father, but always felt uneasy and empty with the compromise. She, being Japanese, had no doubts about where the priorities lay. Increasingly, gave up agruing for myself and of course that made me, and life boring.

She was the one who finally left. It was probably for the best, we were going no-where fast, but it still broke my heart.

I'm not in a relationship now, would like to be but we will see. I think part of me is also cautious not to take myself back to an emotional meatgrinder any time soon. So anyone who likes me isn't quite up to standard, and anyone I am attracted to is ultimately out of my league. In this way, my ego and I have worked out this little bargain in a vain attempt to keep me safe.

But of course my ego also keeps pointing out the next threat, so that feeling of safety is always an illusion. So we continue to bargain.

I have a job with time freedom, pretty good pay, good co-workers and little stress, and I am bored out of my tree and sure this cannot go on forever.

I used to love to dance and play guitar. Increasingly I am not as motivated to get out and play.

I have been fairly active over the last few years, even took up boxing three years ago, but increasingly I am feeling my age. My back, hips are tight, I sit too much all day long. When I can't work out I am grumpy and bent out of shape. That's when my ego starts whispering in my ear again.

What do I want out of life? Increasingly I find it harder and harder to pinpoint. A pain-free body. More access to feelings of peace, joy and love. More connections to other human beings that are rich and meaningful. Lots of time for play and adventure. Financial abundance. A beautiful home that is actually mine. Choice, the feeling that I have the ability to choose from a wide variety of compelling options, not just the three pellets of poison on the plate.

I'd like to be in a fantastic relationship that carried me out through the rest of my days, something supportive yet interesting, not too co-dependent. Great food, conversaton, love making and friends. I'd like to live in a beautiful, natural area.

I'd like to be 180 lbs or so. (I'm 198 right now.) I love playing hockey and being active, and I'd like to keep doing that for years to come.

I'd like to be a great father to my kids, be really close to them and ensure that they are successful in their own lives.

I'd like to be in a job I loved. As for what business would I really like to be in? I'd like to be in something that both continually raised the bar on my life and was an example to others of what was possible. I'd like to be dealing with people and their innermost thoughts, dreams and fears on a day to day basis. I'd like to be fully alive each and every day too. That's why I am here, to dig into all this shit in a way that maybe allows me to move through it. Or around it. Or in a whole new direction.

Anyway, it is a beautiful evening outside. I am going rollerblading.

Thanks for reading this. I wish you peace.

Phaedrus