May 26, 2005

First ever blog. For me this will be somewhat old hat, in that I have 20,000 words in journals. But it will be different in that people will read this. Or will they? We shall see, I suppose.

I'm doing this as part of a program, Vision Force 101. The coaching I received around all this was to start typing to see where it went. So that's what I am going to do now.

Who am I, at least as far as I'm willing to share so far? I live in Western Canada. I'm almost 44, only a month away now. Seperated for the last three years with three kids, the eldest daughter actually coming from my ex's first marriage. I wanted to be a good husband and father but I also wanted a life with lots of stimulation. Could understand the arguement that there was lots I had to give up now that I was a father, but always felt uneasy and empty with the compromise. She, being Japanese, had no doubts about where the priorities lay. Increasingly, gave up agruing for myself and of course that made me, and life boring.

She was the one who finally left. It was probably for the best, we were going no-where fast, but it still broke my heart.

I'm not in a relationship now, would like to be but we will see. I think part of me is also cautious not to take myself back to an emotional meatgrinder any time soon. So anyone who likes me isn't quite up to standard, and anyone I am attracted to is ultimately out of my league. In this way, my ego and I have worked out this little bargain in a vain attempt to keep me safe.

But of course my ego also keeps pointing out the next threat, so that feeling of safety is always an illusion. So we continue to bargain.

I have a job with time freedom, pretty good pay, good co-workers and little stress, and I am bored out of my tree and sure this cannot go on forever.

I used to love to dance and play guitar. Increasingly I am not as motivated to get out and play.

I have been fairly active over the last few years, even took up boxing three years ago, but increasingly I am feeling my age. My back, hips are tight, I sit too much all day long. When I can't work out I am grumpy and bent out of shape. That's when my ego starts whispering in my ear again.

What do I want out of life? Increasingly I find it harder and harder to pinpoint. A pain-free body. More access to feelings of peace, joy and love. More connections to other human beings that are rich and meaningful. Lots of time for play and adventure. Financial abundance. A beautiful home that is actually mine. Choice, the feeling that I have the ability to choose from a wide variety of compelling options, not just the three pellets of poison on the plate.

I'd like to be in a fantastic relationship that carried me out through the rest of my days, something supportive yet interesting, not too co-dependent. Great food, conversaton, love making and friends. I'd like to live in a beautiful, natural area.

I'd like to be 180 lbs or so. (I'm 198 right now.) I love playing hockey and being active, and I'd like to keep doing that for years to come.

I'd like to be a great father to my kids, be really close to them and ensure that they are successful in their own lives.

I'd like to be in a job I loved. As for what business would I really like to be in? I'd like to be in something that both continually raised the bar on my life and was an example to others of what was possible. I'd like to be dealing with people and their innermost thoughts, dreams and fears on a day to day basis. I'd like to be fully alive each and every day too. That's why I am here, to dig into all this shit in a way that maybe allows me to move through it. Or around it. Or in a whole new direction.

Anyway, it is a beautiful evening outside. I am going rollerblading.

Thanks for reading this. I wish you peace.

Phaedrus